I think this is my version of drunk posting, nightmare posting. I have nightmares that often make me contemplate my life in ways that I would prefer not to. I’m not going to get into any unconscious breaking through blah blah blah but at the root of most of the not PTSD related nightmares is this, my truest secret:
I am absolutely terrified of failure.
I know this is not an uncommon fear. I think that most type-A people like me are driven by it and in some cases succeed because of it. But in my case, more often than not it is paralyzing. It is absolutely in my nature to not do something because I am afraid, not of just not succeeding, but not doing things to the best of my ability, or even worse, letting someone down. It is my deepest insecurity and it has been holding me back, especially lately.
I just graduated in December of 2014 from college, and I have yet to find a job. It is not for lack of trying. I tried for months before graduation and have been looking since. I’ve written what I thought (and the career center told me) were great cover letters and have a good resume. I have really put myself out there with this search and by putting myself out there so much and putting so much effort into each application, I have been feeling so rejected. And to me rejection is failure.
When I was at school I withdrew from classes when I thought I might fail or when I felt behind. I withdrew because I was afraid I wouldn’t catch up or that I would put forth work that would disappoint my professors, most of who I greatly admire. It was not until I was put on probation because I had withdrawn from so many classes that I realized I was losing their respect anyways by stepping away. Ironically my fear of failure caused me to fail. I’m incredibly proud of coming back two years ago and finishing all my classes. Every class I felt like I was going to fail I ended up doing fine in. I never did fail, at least not by normal academic standards, and it taught me that I do have the power inside of me to push through.
A lot of my fear comes from things being pulled out from beneath my feet when I least expected. So many relationships with friends, family, and then romantic relationships that ended abruptly or without closure have at points left my sense of self truly shaken. These sting because I failed on two fronts, I failed in the relationship but also failed to see the failure coming. Don’t even get me started on my health…it has failed me at such key moments in my life: senior year of high school, so much of college, even when I was younger and didn’t realize that what I was feeling physically and emotionally wasn’t normal. I don’t know if my illnesses have caused me to feel defective or if it’s the other way around, but these feelings have caused some of the darkest moments in my life. I would rather be dead than experience one more failure and/or disappoint another person who I love.
People say there is a silver-lining to failure, and there is. You can only truly grasp the magnitude of your success if you have failed before. I know that was definitely the case with graduating both high school and college and then in being well. But sometimes it is hard not to say, “Why me?!” I am trying to remember right now that I will look back on this time when I feel like I’m drowning in failures and see the silver-lining, but I gotta say I’m chest deep in the failure pool right now and it sucks.